Self-Censored Blogging?

Lately I feel like someone has stolen my motivation. I wake up with things to do online but with no thoughts on where to begin. Sometimes it spills over into my unfinished to-do list at home… like this morning with an empty filing box and folders, along with scattered papers on the floor. It’s like spacing out but not daydreaming.

A few times, I’ve wondered if such a random occurrence is considered a “symptom” of depression once it is consistent and other factors are present.

At least I know why it happens to me. I was targeted at least four or five times by a few unscrupulous individuals – at school, at work, within the community – and about two months ago I lost an important accordion-style portfolio that I was never given the chance to look for in the place that I had last seen it. I still have hope though that someone there will contact me this fall to return the gray thing.

With blogging, it’s one of those expectation vs reality deals: I’ll wait for my mind to get a creative spark so that I can go at it, but it doesn’t come. Then there will be moments that I have something cool to write about and before I get a chance to put pen to paper, someone else (like my one and only child!) will interrupt. But it’s not his, hers, or their fault. My mind just sneaks in what I did my best to handle over the past few years and I kinda end up feeling down.

I am reminded that those unscrupulous individuals weren’t fully held accountable and I want them to be; may I just write about it? Then I’ll feel numb once in a while or I’ll overthink it…

Other times I conclude that our online lives are overstimulated and, at least for me, self-censored. There is so much to read and I can’t really respond because of all the connecting threads that I see and because people can be so reactionary and fragile – political correctness seems more valuable to some than raw honesty.

I hope blogging will change my self-censorship. Maybe I’m just waiting for others to connect with me?